*.How are your kids?
They are great.
*.And how are they taking the whole divorce issue?
We are not really divorced. It's still a work-in-progress kind of thing but we are taking it well. When its time for him to see the children, he does and when its time to return them, he does. On my part, I have carried the children along and make them understand they are not stained because of it. I wouldn't want them to develop a complex because of it. We didn't design for these things to happenbut they do. It's like people who have lost their parents, they didn't plan for it but they have to move on. I watch them and I think they are doing pretty okay especially becausewe talk about it every time there isa reason to.
*.You mentioned that you aren't really divorced. Does that suggest possibility of reconciliation?
No, it doesn't. We just started the process but there isn't any hope for reconciliation. We know we would always be in each other's lives because of the children, so we have to be civil. When the children are getting marriedfor example, we have to hide our differences and make it work.
*.What if he (Frank) came back, would you consider it?
No. Three years have gone by. It will be a whole entire process of knowing somebody allover again and I don't have the energy to do that. We've let it burn and I don't think he will do that.
*.Do you sometimes miss him?
He had such a great sense of humor. I don't know if he still does. His sense of music too,being a radio presenter, and we used to exchange thoughts on things regarding that, but otherwise, I don't miss him in that nostalgic way of…It's a part of my life I have come to terms with. I am a solution oriented person. He was part of my life for more than 10 years (dated for four years and got marriedfor 7 years).
*.Looking back at everything, do you wish younever got separated?
No, I think Frank and I should not have gotten married in the first place. We shouldjust have been friends because he was an awesome friend. While I was dating someone else and he had to go back to his country, he (Frank) was there all through and I had known him all the while he was in the University of Calabar and we started our career together. I think we shouldn't have pushed it to marriage and just stayed as friends.
*.Any regrets about that?
No. I have three lovely kids to show for it and of course, every thing happens for a reason and a purpose. They can only make us better or stronger people and it has done so for me. Ihave grown from what went wrong.
*.What is usually the cause of the fight?
I think it's impatience, anger and not knowing how to deal with issue in the now, so you react before you think. It goes like, 'huh, how dare you say this to me…is that what you will say?' I can't remember any one in particular, it has been long now, I have moved on and it'snot a thing that can happen to me again but I always say no matter what, a man should not raise his hands on a woman. A woman should also not goad a man too much. It takes nothing from the man who walks away because once he hits a woman, he starts to think it is justifiable. Unfortunately, we are in a society where we have friends that will give you thumbs up for doing that. A man should be calmer and not react on the now.
*.Are you making efforts to ensure that your son isn't wrongly influenced by this?
I have a son and I talk to him all the time. I lethim know he must be there to protect his sister. They should look at him and feel safe with him and he knows that. The girls also push him and I caution them, so it's a balance.
*.Were you hit by the rumors of his recent marriage?
I didn't want to believe he was because we are still married (legally). We are not divorced, so I didn't see how that was possibleand didn't loose sleep over it. I'm not asking him not to go on with his life butthings should be done properly. We are separated for three years and now in the divorce process. If he found happiness and love, then I'm happy for him.
*.Will you be trying your hands on marriage again?
You just never know.
*.If you would, what kind of man would he be?
You come to a point in your life where you can't afford to do things out of adrenaline but with great thought. It would be a more matureperson, someone who is calm and has a fine sense of how life should be. Someone who is mature, wise and seen life and the ways of the world and knows what he is doing at everytime.
*.When you think about all that has happened,does it bring tears to your eyes?
No, I feel a sense of disappointment instead especially now when the children come home with questions that I need a man to answer, if he (their father) were around. Forexample, someone to be there for my son at a time when he is writing his common entrance examination. It's a feeling of disappointment, but you know, we have to rise above them and you go on.
*.What was your reaction the very first time it happened?
I'm like these things happen in marriages but we think of reconciliation and getting families involved. It is your first trial in marriage and nobody gives a guideline about how things aregoing to be.
*.Apart from being part of the Project Alert, what other steps have you taken to help women who are battling with domestic violence?
I talk to them but in the end, I let them know, the decision is theirs. A friend of mine was involved in this and after we talk, she will go back to him. No matter what platform there is,it rests on the individual. It is what I have arrived at. I still share my story when I have the chance to.
All the best kate
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